[20 Nov 2006|11:00pm] So I suppose the depression I've so dearly been trying to hide has finally hit me. I can't take it anymore... I have no friends, no life, and essentially nothing. I've been hiding away from it in my video games for far too long and I can't take it anymore. Something needs to change and I have no idea what exactly it is. I'm finding it harder and harder to lie to myself and everyone by being something I'm not and acting away I don't enjoy. This is frustrating me to no end. I feel disgusted with who and what I am. Every weekend I sit here for over 40 hours playing WoW because I have nothing else in my life that could possible excite me. I don't want to be here at all anymore. Noone understands this or knows this. I can't even look into the mirror and feel proud of how I look or act. I can't feel pride anymore. What exactly do I have to be proud of? NOTHING. I guess I haven't even really tried to find people but I guess that's just because I don't have an attraction to a social life anymore. Drama and unneccessary stress is not what I want to be dealing with on top of what I'm all ready dealing with. This all came about when I was sitting in my Art class today and felt no pride in my art work or the people I associate myself with at school; with the exception of a few; but even then they are not people I can put any type of trust in. I need to get help with this but at the same time I don't want people to help me at all. This whole piece of writing is just one big contradiction after another. This weekend I'm planning on going out to Abbotsford to visit Tyler who I hope will actually follow through with what he said and not just chump me out like the last 10 times I've tried to hang out with him. We have probably lost the bond that was once there and I fear for that because he's one of the few people I can look in the eye and be happy and honest with. He has a way with words like no other and it makes me fell like a solid person at times. I doubt he knows this but i consider him a bestfriend even though he doesn't talk to me or consider me anything anymore. Girrrrrrrrrrrllls. This is a huge subject on my mind. I have been telling myself that I never want to date again because it always ends up in shit and not really worth the stress/pain, but at the same time I'd like to have someone I could tell everything that was bothering me and her not think I'm weak or pathetic. I haven't felt an attraction to a girl in nearly 2 years that has actually lasted more than 2 weeks. I don't want a single time deal or a 2 month girl, no, I want a girl that'd just move away with me to somewhere far and new. Hell, girlfriend or just a friend, I want anyone who is willing to leave their comfort zone just to experience something new. done 2 | post comment

[30 Oct 2006|04:56pm] You know those gut feelings that make you cringe and want to disappear somewhere unknown to anything? The feeling you get when you need something important to change, but you know it won't be happening anytime soon? fuck. I wish I could just help you out with this. Get you through this. You probably won't ever read this but I'll always be there for you... post comment

[10 Sep 2006|02:36am] You Are 82% Evil You're the most evil person you know. The devil is even a little scared of you! How Evil Are You? Your EQ is 153 50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick! 51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese. 71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely. 91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that. 111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt. 131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin. 150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar. What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)? you know what's funny.. is that i actually answered them 100% honest... so i guess i'm the super EQ devil 1 | post comment

[03 Sep 2006|02:17am] 2:30pm - apply at Earls 3:30pm - go to Robbs and skate 6:15pm - come home and get call from Earls 7:00pm - working dishes at Earls 12:00am - get off of work 2:18am - typing about time and work post comment

[29 Aug 2006|05:01am] Okay, So lately I've quit my band, starting raping at video games, and have plans of moving out after high school. I've never felt so content with my life in so long. There's seriously nothing to be pissed off about. No more drama bullshit (even though i am going back to school in... oh 7 days). No more mistrust or hate between others. I've really found out who is with me and who is not. The more I get into ambient/indie music the happier I become. My attitude has taken a turn for the best. Seeing how i've lost a lot of my friends it's alright because it gave me time to get my shit together and reslize the people who actually care. shit stoked. WoW is going to take over my life fo sho. SO STOKED ON GRADE 12!!!! and my 10Gigs of anime i have now. :) 2 | post comment

[05 Apr 2006|11:04pm] so i've been working in the morgue for nearly 3 weeks now.. it's sort of getting to me now. i can't really eat a whole lot of meat without thinking of bodies. I guess I'll get over it quickly. Got another job at wataire. $10 an hour. it's sweet. GOREGRIND AND GRINDCORE BITCHES! 3 | post comment

[13 Feb 2006|11:20pm] yeeeeeeeeeeeeee 17 whaa?! actually... i could careless. i'm tired and about to go to sleep. peace. oh yeah So the michigan mascot tired to make fun of me today.. too bad she's stupid. post comment

[18 Jan 2006|10:43am] shittt. again i hate school. but last night liz helped me with chem11 so that was rad. I'm watching some hardcore video from the band "powerslam" which is pretty rad. omfghacker i still have a crush on a girl... umm lolz! my new computer pwns shit up hella. i got a few cool programs that now i can record and now master it! plus i've got a rad drum machine program. dope shit. watch out for my band. current songs: semen tsunami tranny fucker her mind during anal shit yeah. 2 | post comment

[04 Jan 2006|09:26am] lol school sucks 1 | post comment

[10 Oct 2005|10:19pm] Ever feel like theres sooo much more in life than what you see or do? I'm so sick of being alone every day and never living life to what i except out of it. I need to get away from everything and just live. Video games, Cigarettes, and music is my only life right now. fuck and wanting a girl is gay. 2 | post comment

[20 Aug 2005|07:36pm] fuck why am i such a fucking pussy about things fuck this. no more letting people walk over me. no more taking bull shit people tell me. no more fuckings lies. fuck you. 1 | post comment

[09 Jul 2005|06:43pm] http://deathwishinc.com/radio/index.php http://deathwishinc.com/radio/index.php http://deathwishinc.com/radio/index.php http://deathwishinc.com/radio/index.php best? yes 3 | post comment

[01 Jul 2005|10:03pm] [ music | G-unit - G'd up ] shit i'm so stoked for everything right now. i'm making hella money. i haven't been intoxicated in over 3 months. i'm trying to get taz to be our singer because he's cool and can get to mikes house. i got a carton of smokes. fucking crazy good shows coming up: comeback kid & the warriors w/instride and revenge Bury your dead w/guests SOTU = GWAR!!!! plus terror and madball plus a lot of house shows, etc,etc..etc... = 6 | post comment

[29 Jun 2005|02:19pm] shit i never update.. nothing really new.. i work at pizza hut and jenell rules? nothing else. 1 | post comment

[11 Jun 2005|02:51am] SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT i can't find my pellet gun... i need it so bad to shoot spiders. 3 | post comment

[11 Jun 2005|02:45am] Instride Revenge Barricade A crows glory Rivalry endoplasmic studios saturday june 18th $5? maybe $7 NO BOOZE NO DRUGS NO PUSSIES 2 | post comment

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